What is it
like to be a missionary?
I get this question a lot and most times I honestly do
not have a very good answer. I feel like I let you down by not being able to
verbalize it. Maybe I can’t because it is so complicated or ever changing, I’m
truthfully not sure. However, I have such a desire for each of you to get it
even if just a little bit. Why? Because we are here on the mission field because
God called us, so missions must be close to His heart; therefore, it matters,
it is important, it does change lives. God has been putting it on my heart a
lot lately to share what missions looks like for us, so that is exactly what I
am going to try to do.
This is a picture
of my husband….what may appear to be a spoiled rotten husband eating dinner in
bed…well it is not what it seems. This is a husband who I am seeing for the
first time at 9:30pm, who is eating dinner, his first meal of the day, in his
bed because everyone else had already eaten and was asleep in bed. His day
consisted of running errands, paying bills, church banking, being at the
feeding center, talking to moms of the feeding center kids, doing house visits,
and then men’s group at the church. This is a day that is so full, but saying
that doesn’t really even start to explain his day. Here we say everything takes
a whole day to do, we don’t know why but it just does. For example church
banking that sounds like a quick in and out, but with the lines in the bank it
is at 30 minutes if not an hour to just make a deposit and that doesn’t include
the book keeping he had already done. When he is at the feeding center he waits
for all the kids to enter and then teaches a little bit, or plays games, or
teaches bible verses and then the kids eat. While the kids eat he goes around
and talks to as many moms as he can about their lives, their difficulties, their
doubts, their questions. Now on to family visits these are almost always very
hard and I’m not talking about the walk up steep hills hard, even though that
is almost always a given here in Guatemala as well. It is hard to see the
living conditions of people we have grown to care for very much, and it is hard
to hear so much pain. The story after story of living in such poverty, but not
just that it is hearing story after story of so much heartbreak. So these
family visits almost always take hours. Hours of them pouring out their hearts.
Hours of trying to giving encouragement and advice. Hours of prayers. Hours of
meeting the family. It all takes time here, and normally a lot of it. But this
is precious time because it is spent instead of in lines, it is in people’s
lives and that matters. Then my husband goes to men’s group where he is the
leader, and sometimes it’s fun and card games, other times questions, other
times pouring out their hurts and difficulties as well. So when I said this is a full day yes it is,
but not in the since of busy(which it was that as well); however, in the since
of full of emotion, full of tears, full of heavy stuff, full of incapability,
full of fighting the devil, full of talking, full of listening, and full of
striving to let the light shine through such a harsh and cruel world.
Sometimes… well many times my husband will
tell me I just don’t know how I can
help, I want to help so bad, and I just can’t. Being on a missionary budget we don’t
always have the means to help. However, I have to say that the Lord has given my
husband such a wonderful giving heart. He almost never has money in his wallet,
but it truly is because he gives it away so freely to others. This night he
told me the same I am so tired Morgan, I’m not talking physically ( which he
was that as well), but so tired of not being able to do something… so after a
long day, I thought man this might be the last thing he wants to hear but I said
it anyways… You know what you can’t do anything, BUT God can. In all this situations
that seem so hopeless HE still has hope, HE still has the means to change
situations, HE still can. So I said let’s ask Him to do that. So we prayed and
asked God that He would show up, and give hope and future. And then my husband
went and ate his reheated dinner like the spoiled husband he is. J
So you must
be thinking surely not every day is that jammed pack and you are so right. Not
everyday is like this and some days I see my husband even most of the day. I am
thankful for those days because we never know when the next really full day is
coming. I recently heard my husband on
the phone saying, “you know I don’t know what I have been doing lately I feel
like I’ve just been home more and with the family and working on house
projects, so maybe for that I don’t feel good like I haven’t been doing enough”.
This really made me start thinking about another side of ministry that maybe
many don’t know about. The guilt. The guilt that we are spending too much on
our family, we came here to serve other and minister to them and there are so
many that need it. The guilt that we need to be doing more. We know and have been told so many times your
family is your first ministry. If our family is not good the ministry will not
be good or even not exist. We do believe this but putting it in to practice
really is a different story, it really takes carving out time, and being super intentional
or it does not happen. Because on top of ministry we still have to do the
normally everyday things like buying groceries, paying bills, taking and
picking up kids from school, doing reports, gardening, mowing, phone calls, home repairs, the mundane, but oh
so necessary for life to function.
Speaking of
family, I feel like that where I come in more. I told you about ministry but
more the ministry of my husband. So what does ministry for me specifically look
like? Well because I am a stay at home mom of 3, 2 of which are very young, most
of my days are in the home. Including cleaning, cooking, laundry, homework,
baths, naps, playing, potty training, teaching, diapers, tantrums, hugs,
attention, snacks, bedtimes. Taking care of my family, raising my children, having
food on the table, these are the things that consume most of my time. It is not
always fun, easy or glamorous, and seems like not at all what you want to hear
when you ask what being a missionary is, but the truth is I have come to learn that
this ministry desperately needs just that. I have tried to do it all and drag
babies along with me while doing it, I have tried going to minister and once
again leave my children at home, I have tried to make my little one as much a
part of every aspect of ministry as possible. I am here to tell you for my
family it does not work. Because I end up with kids who can’t get consistent
parenting because I was dragging them along everywhere and I pay for it for
weeks after. I end up with kids that are so clinging when I am there because I wasn’t
present enough. I end up with kids that are sick all the time because all those
places and houses and kids I took them around is just too much for there still
growing immune systems. I have come to find out when all this is going on with
my kids my husband nor I can ministry well at all; therefore, for now in the
phase we are my ministry is in my home, my ministry is not facebook worthy, but
my ministry matters to God and so it is important. So I now choose very selectively what is worth
my time away from my family. One of which is women’s group and we meet every
week with the goal to create community within our church and I have seen small
but such encouraging differences. I teach English during my kids nap times. Kids
ministry on Sundays. I go on family visits when my husband suggests
it would be good if I was there, normally when he knows the situation needs a
women or some medical advice. Recently, I went to visit a lady that’s 15 day
old baby had just died. It is a visit I hope I never have to do again. I had to
listen and ask and realize her baby died of something that could have been
fixed if she had just known. I had to see and touch a precious but lifeless
baby. Nothing inside of me wanted this, none of it. But this is part of
ministry…death…hard…heartbreaking that you just want to run away from but that
sweet momma can’t run away so neither will we. Our Father doesn’t run so we
must learn to stay, stay in the pain, stay in the tears, stay in the loneliness.
So our
ministry is being here: Being here when it is sacrifice and when it is
blessings. Being here through the changes of people and needs. Being here even
when our family and friends are so far away. Being here in the trenches and on
the mountains. Being here is missions. So I encourage you to be there. Wherever
with whoever He has called you to be. Be there when it is hard and you want to
run away, and be there to rejoice the triumphs. And when you don’t know what to
do ask God to do it!
